Ditch Your New Years Resolution Day

Ohhhh my! Yes there is a Holiday set a side for us called
"Ditch Your New Years Resolution Day." This Holiday is always on January 17th. The reason for this holiday is so you can ditch all those resolutions that you made on New Years Eve because by now your going to know if there going to fly or not. You know.... all the ones you've already broken.

Very funny!

I love this.

Unbelievable!

Stella Awards
It's time again for the annual 'Stella Awards'! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico , where she purchased coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right? That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.

Here are the Stellas for the past year:
*SEVENTH PLACE*
Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.
* SIXTH PLACE *
Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles , California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps
* FIFTH PLACE *
Terrence Dickson, of Bristol , Pennsylvania , who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish. Keep scratching. There are more...
*FOURTH PLACE*
Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.
* THIRD PLACE *
Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. What ever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?
*SECOND PLACE*
Kara Walton, of Claymont , Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.
* FIRST PLACE *
This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down?
$1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.
Are we, as a society, getting more stupid.... or are more members of Congress serving on juries these days?

From Aunt Lynda

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

Thanks Lynda for the laugh.

The Bathing Suit

My friend Angela sent me this gem.
Subject: The Bathing Suit ...have you bought one lately!!!!!

When I was a child, the bathing suit for the mature figure was boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift; they did a good job.. Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip.

The mature woman has a choice - she can either go up front to the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus who escaped from Disney's Fantasia, or she can wander around every run of the mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of florescent rubber bands.

What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which give the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever
yourself into one, you are protected from shark attacks as any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whip lash.

I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place, I gasped in horror - my boobs had disappeared! Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I located it, flattened beside my seventh rib.

The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a speed bump.. I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment.

The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately it only fit those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom, and sides. I
looked like a lump of play dough wearing undersized cling wrap.

As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, 'Oh, there you are,' she said, admiring the bathing suit .

I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me.

I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two piece which gave the appearance of an oversized napkin in a serving ring.

I struggled into a pair of leopard skin bathers with ragged frills and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with triplets and having a rough day.

I tried on a black number with a mesh midriff and looked like a jellyfish in mourning.

I tried on a bright pink suit with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear it .

Finally,
I found a suit that fit - a two-piece affair with a shorts style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My
ridiculous search had a successful outcome, I figured.

When I got home, I found a label which read 'Material might become transparent in water.'

So, if you happen to be on the beach, or near any other body of water this year, and I'm there too, I'll be the one in cut-off jeans and a t-shirt!

Another Maxine

Sometimes I think Maxine should run for president. She was right on with this one!
Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in this country lately: illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, alligators attacking people in Florida ...

Not me. I concentrate on solutions for the problems. It's a win-win situation.
+ Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border.
+ Send the dirt to New Orleans to raise the level of the levies.
+ Put the Florida alligators in the moat along the Mexican border.
Any other problems you would like for me to solve today ? Yes?

Ground Zero for Swine Flu

Saturday Night Live - Don't Buy Stuff

Click for video: Saturday Night Live - Don't Buy Stuff

Look at the fun you could be having!

Wish I had snow!

This is the part of Thanksgiving that I am

You Are Mashed Potatoes

Ordinary, comforting, and more than a little predictable You're the glue that holds everyone together.

What Part of Thanksgiving Are You?

To make you smile

I am in a rage at the new website and the demonstrations at the temple. I can't seem to calm down so I thought I need a distraction. Thought you might like one to. This will put a smile on your face!

This is for those that haven't seen the 16 baby pandas. SICHUAN , China -- One zoo in southwest China has its hands full with 16 baby pandas. The Sichuan Wolong Panda Protection and Breed Center is dealing with the results of a breeding boom where 16 pandas have been born. The brood includes five sets of twins. The cubs are weighed and measured every five days (see pics). The heaviest tips the scale at just over 24 pounds, while the lightest weighs about 11 pounds. The pandas are due to stop suckling soon - just about the time they'll start learning to walk. Once weaned, the panda cubs will attend panda kindergarten. In the meantime, more little ones are expected at the centre since 38 giant pandas were artificially impregnated.

Just for fun.

One of those days

I am having a horrible day. My escrow just fell out, 1 week before it was to close. My poor sellers were all packed up, they even rented a POD for all their boxes. Now they have to unpack and put the house back on the market and then we wait, and wait and wait for another buyer. I am in a very bad mood. So I am going to share this; at least it made me smile.

I GOT STOPPED FOR SPEEDING YESTERDAY.

I THOUGHT I COULD TALK MY WAY OUT OF IT
UNTIL THE COP LOOKED
AT MY DOG IN THE BACK SEAT

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures?

• Your last name stays put.


• The garage is all yours.


• Wedding plans take care of themselves.


• Chocolate is just another snack.


• You can never be pregnant.


• You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.


• You can wear NO shirt to a water park.


• Car mechanics tell you the truth.


• The world is your urinal.


• You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too"icky."


• Wrinkles add character.


• Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.


• People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.


• New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.


• One mood all the time.


• Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.


• A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.


• You can open all your own jars.


• You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.


• If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.


• Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.


• You almost never have strap problems in public.


• You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.


• Everything on your face stays its original color.


• The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.


• You only have to shave your face and neck.


• You can play with toys all your life.


• One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.


• You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.


• You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.


• You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24, in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Memories

Thanks to Aunt Vicki!

Too tired for deep thoughts!

It is Sunday night and I have been going since early this morning. I am way too tired for deep thoughts, but want to say something to help the week get off to a good start.



Ginger' Beauty and Fashion Tips
1. No one with perfect hair is really happy on the inside.
2. True beauty comes from within. Within a great hair salon.
3. Smart women know that real beauty doesn't come from a make-up bag.
You need a drawer.
4. "Natural" and "Beauty" go together like "Diet" and "Bearclaw".
5. Surround yourself with ugly people.
6. "One size fits all" is the cruelest phrase ever.